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ebb and flow
the last week has been, inexplicably, just fine. Even with having to be in the office on Wednesday, the violent mood swings were mostly something that didn't follow me home from NC. Sure, the snark kicked up a bit when I had one too many tickets with zero info logged by people who knew better (and a couple that I just could not decipher by people who clearly did NOT understand the assignment), but there was no rage monster to quell, there was no thoughts of driving off the road or any of the ping-pong ponderings that plagued me the prior week.
is it the altitude change? I'm taking my meds, so it's not like that time that I just -didn't- take the happy pills and had the nerve to be surprised at the results.
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Ben arrives in one month. I have 18 days at home to make this place habitable. and in my head, I have pretty much already written this off as the beginning of the end. I'd sent him a letter as a way of working out a bunch of my pre-visit/planning anxiety, knowing if I didn't get it out somehow, I'd end up driving him (and me) crazy. he acknowledged receiving the letter, and I figured I'd get his reply via post as well. he got a postcard I'd sent from NC, and this reply:
upon reflection, perhaps this isn't the assumed attack I took it as, but rather just a statement on how we function differently. But, I've met me, and I'm pretty sure once he lands it's going to be a mess. I don't know.
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tomorrow I head up to dad's to collect something he offered and which he's frantic to be rid of: granola bars. my god, who knew that two family-size boxes of crunch granola bars would be such a disturbance to him. or maybe he's acting too much like how I act, and it's triggery AF?
he got pissy that I wouldn't drop everything on Sunday and come up right that second. he's got some pants with drawstrings knotted tighter than he can manage, so that's on the docket.
-----
a week or so ago, in a doom-scroll-avoidance tactic, I got a wild hair and scrolled back far enough to find J's ex-wife. not at all who I pictured, and it sort of changes my mental picture of how that all shook out. did confirm that their kid was a teen, not a tiny human, but I still wonder what the catalyst was that landed him with the responsibility of raising said kid. he's told me he was the stable one; guess I should just take him at his word.
he again sent me a direct insta message with the show info, and replied many hours later that I was looking forward to seeing him on his home turf. he replied only a few hours later (and at a much more reasonable hour) with "and seeing you !" i'd swoon, but his gf is watching.
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tons of pain lately, can't figure out why. annoying, and limiting. DO NOT LIKE.
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Watched a live-stream of a film about/by a band. among the few attendees was ND, which surprised me, but I should have known he'd be there - they're longtime friends after all. waited til most of the way through to DM him a hello. posted to the group about crying, and a line from a song that set me off big-time. can't remember it just now, but it fully/totally sums up my "bliss" ring in many more eloquent words.
Asked ND if I'd see him on Friday, but if he replied, the chat cut off before I saw it. Tempted to ask him to meet for coffee on Saturday - every single day since I got home from the last trip I've debated IF and WHEN to ask. how do I know he isn't salty over the whole mess I made?
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overnight trip with Dan coming up in two weeks. it's been a LONG time since we've done one of these. and I'm the one planning this one. Need to book a hotel room, buy my concert ticket, and form a plan of attack to get us from NE to central OH on that Monday.
debated contacting don Dixon to see if he'd want to meet up for lunch. less inclined, now, since it appears Joe is not joining us. Dan won't care, other than to brag to Joe.
-----
need to figure out the money acquisition for all of this. still running in the red for Reasons. need to get the tax return filed (assuming felon in chief doesn't destroy that, too), and start squirreling away pennies so Ben's visit isn't made of suck. plus all these other trips. I think i've already scheduled 2/5 of my vacation time.
is it the altitude change? I'm taking my meds, so it's not like that time that I just -didn't- take the happy pills and had the nerve to be surprised at the results.
-----
Ben arrives in one month. I have 18 days at home to make this place habitable. and in my head, I have pretty much already written this off as the beginning of the end. I'd sent him a letter as a way of working out a bunch of my pre-visit/planning anxiety, knowing if I didn't get it out somehow, I'd end up driving him (and me) crazy. he acknowledged receiving the letter, and I figured I'd get his reply via post as well. he got a postcard I'd sent from NC, and this reply:
I do not have nearly enough brain space to try to figure out our schedule with you. Also, that's not really how I travel. I secure transportation, lodging, and a cat sitter, and then just kinda figure out once I get there what I want to do. I know your brain works differently, so how about a compromise? you plan all you want, and when I get there, we can talk things over and see what we both feel like?
upon reflection, perhaps this isn't the assumed attack I took it as, but rather just a statement on how we function differently. But, I've met me, and I'm pretty sure once he lands it's going to be a mess. I don't know.
-----
tomorrow I head up to dad's to collect something he offered and which he's frantic to be rid of: granola bars. my god, who knew that two family-size boxes of crunch granola bars would be such a disturbance to him. or maybe he's acting too much like how I act, and it's triggery AF?
he got pissy that I wouldn't drop everything on Sunday and come up right that second. he's got some pants with drawstrings knotted tighter than he can manage, so that's on the docket.
-----
a week or so ago, in a doom-scroll-avoidance tactic, I got a wild hair and scrolled back far enough to find J's ex-wife. not at all who I pictured, and it sort of changes my mental picture of how that all shook out. did confirm that their kid was a teen, not a tiny human, but I still wonder what the catalyst was that landed him with the responsibility of raising said kid. he's told me he was the stable one; guess I should just take him at his word.
he again sent me a direct insta message with the show info, and replied many hours later that I was looking forward to seeing him on his home turf. he replied only a few hours later (and at a much more reasonable hour) with "and seeing you !" i'd swoon, but his gf is watching.
-----
tons of pain lately, can't figure out why. annoying, and limiting. DO NOT LIKE.
-----
Watched a live-stream of a film about/by a band. among the few attendees was ND, which surprised me, but I should have known he'd be there - they're longtime friends after all. waited til most of the way through to DM him a hello. posted to the group about crying, and a line from a song that set me off big-time. can't remember it just now, but it fully/totally sums up my "bliss" ring in many more eloquent words.
Asked ND if I'd see him on Friday, but if he replied, the chat cut off before I saw it. Tempted to ask him to meet for coffee on Saturday - every single day since I got home from the last trip I've debated IF and WHEN to ask. how do I know he isn't salty over the whole mess I made?
-----
overnight trip with Dan coming up in two weeks. it's been a LONG time since we've done one of these. and I'm the one planning this one. Need to book a hotel room, buy my concert ticket, and form a plan of attack to get us from NE to central OH on that Monday.
debated contacting don Dixon to see if he'd want to meet up for lunch. less inclined, now, since it appears Joe is not joining us. Dan won't care, other than to brag to Joe.
-----
need to figure out the money acquisition for all of this. still running in the red for Reasons. need to get the tax return filed (assuming felon in chief doesn't destroy that, too), and start squirreling away pennies so Ben's visit isn't made of suck. plus all these other trips. I think i've already scheduled 2/5 of my vacation time.