Keeping score - Manic Edition

[just_cyd]

this is the email I sent to my therapist back on 2/17/23, when it finally registered that maybe things weren't going so well in this noggin of mine:

So I think I may be coming down from an extra-manic episode. The only reason I think it's starting to end is because things are starting to register - like the negative bank account balance that has nothing to do with bills being paid.


this doesn't feel like normal can't focus/squirrel brain. This feels more like I've stepped away from reality a bit too far. I've got some super-focused obsessions going right now, but not on anything productive. I'm spending way too much time in my head making plans to cut and run and start over somewhere else, complete with very specific details of what and where ... without any indication that it is even possible. I did manage to pull it together just enough to search for one of these job/city combos and it brought me back to reality just a bit, but not enough to derail this crazytrain.

what started as "I need to start LIVING my life dammit" after enjoying a UD basketball game with a friend has spiraled into this mess of self-destruction. While I'm doing great at work -- had a one-on-one with our team lead, and she had stats that show i'm pretty much the rockstar of our group -- I'm spacing out enough that I fear it'll fall apart. the only reason it hasn't yet is because I'm working from home, and don't have the stress/distraction of the office.

Yes, I'm taking my meds. we upped the dose of trulicity, but nothing else has changed med-wise. I've actually been getting out of the house and seeing friends, but i think that is fueling the fire a little. after weeks of not seeing them (holidays, illness, etc), we've been meeting up weekly, and now i want to DO ALL THE THINGS RIGHT NOW. If i'm super-manic around my friends, they've not said anything, but i'm trying super hard to be cool around them. not sure how much longer i'll be able to keep that up. What started as "i am STILL thinking about that Ben Folds & Cincy symphony show, I'm going to buy the ticket already" has spiraled out to that, plus tickets to his show at the Rose in June, plus a converstion with my brother in Nashville asking if anyone come there could I crash on their couch to trying to figure out how to get to Durham NC (Fly? drive?) for a show i want to see not knowing if this musician is touring outside his hometown to looking up comedians and wanting to go to all those shows too and .....

this is all on top of the usual stuff I struggle with - kitchen is a wreck of epic proportions, garbage is piling up, I haven't showered in a week, the usual I did see Sarah on Tuesday (but not Dr Patel), and maybe we need to rethink the whole "meds are fine, we don't need to change anything" thing?

If only I could use this mania for good and instead of evil,

I don't think we changed any meds - I really don't remember. I do remember nurse Sarah being concerned, and calling to have me come in pretty quickly to get things sorted out. But I'm still having these manic-obsessive episodes where i'm pretty much internally consumed with whatever crazy-ass scenario my brainweasels are running with today, sorta like how the little men in Calvin's head just throw whatever film reels up without worrying about continuity or whatnot (April 10, 1993, about halfway down the page, the full-color Sunday one). Not sure what to do about this, if only because i'm in too much physical pain to DO anything (no out-of-state road trips for me right now, unless someone else is driving). going to think on this while I try to get some things done around the house.