Just Cyd.

-- of course my income has not kept up with inflation

-- of course I have no savings whatsoever

-- of course the treatment of my multiple chronic illnesses is determined by whether or not I can afford them

-- of course I've skipped doses of meds, or delayed refills, because of the cost

-- of course I started my career as a secretary in places where I was considered "the help" by far too many other ridiculously-higher-paid people, who now can't see me as anything else than "the help"

-- of course I get passed over for jobs because I don't have a four year degree, despite ample evidence that I could dance circles around the degree-wielding young'uns

-- of course 20 years with the company doesn't mean shit

-- of course I'm too beaten down from years of being gaslit to scrape myself together and find a better job

-- of course I want to rage-quit my job on a daily, if not hourly, basis, but can't because (a) no savings and (b) healthcare is tied to my employer

-- of course the majority of my vacations have been thanks to the generosity of others

-- of course the trips I do manage to take are a short as humanly possible, where "free hot breakfast" is king, and the rest of my meals are made up of what I can cart with me in my cooler.

-- of course I have to turn down short-notice plans with friends because I don't have the money to leave the house

-- of course I panicked when the temps dropped to single-digit highs last month, worried about paying the electric bill, knowing my furnace was already as low as I could reasonable tolerate (66 degrees. 65 was somehow too cold?)

-- of course my Boomer* father has all manner of opinions on what this Gen Xer has done wrong to land herself in "this kind of trouble"

-- of course I'm expected to do it all, and when I can't get shamed for having physical and mental limitations, or needing to take time do deal with said limitations

-- of course I only have a mortgage/own a home because 20 years ago my bosses were friends with the mortgage guy and fudged things on paper to make it work, just before those same bosses let me go two months later

-- of course the current real estate market is such that I can't ever move, because although my mortgage company thinks I need to find "something more affordable," with rents 2x-3x my current mortgage payment, there is nothing even remotely "affordable" anywhere on this planet

-- of course I am one very minor incident away from catastrophe

-- of course I have medical debt in collections from the car crash and multiple surgeries/ER visits four years ago

-- of course red meat (or any meat), restaurant meals, regular haircuts, replacing/repairing shoes/clothing/bras are something I only dream of

-- of course basic home maintenance, or being prepared for the inevitable demise of my fridge/water heater/stove is out of the question

-- of course that dead dishwasher isn't getting replaced anytime soon

-- of course I paid far too much to have my furnace replaced because it died mid-winter during a ridiculous cold-snap

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* dad was actually born in 1944, making him a member of the Silent Generation. He's anything BUT silent, but the description fits. Mom was the official Boomer, born in Sept 1946.

Bad ideas:
1. Grocery shopping on Sunday afternoons
2. grocery shopping when the weather is crappy
3. grocery shopping while hungry and stressed

guess who did all three today?

The good news, I suppose, is that my freezer is FULL of struggle food - pot pies, those stuffed chicken breasts with the RAW CHICKEN!!! warning all over them (for good reason!), fish sticks, and pizza rolls. They also had sodas on sale (the 16.9z bottles, 6pk for $2.99, limit 5).

Now it's a week later (oops), the high today might have hit 11 degrees, and I'm so very happy to have a found full of food (carbs). cooked up an obscene amount of mashed potatoes last night, which felt lik the only reasonable thing to do, given the howling wind and cold temps.

Tomorrow is an actual holiday - MLK day - and I'm working. Huzzah! I forgot/didn't know we had that holiday, so bonus pay for me working what I thought was a normal day.

So it's August now? huh. quick summary, with more later/separately:
1. my little brother turned 50 on August 1st. 50, 3 kids, 2 grandkids, and just shy of 30 years with his job.
2. I've reconnected with Ben, hashed out our mutual misunderstandings, and are now messaging daily. silly stuff, serious stuff, the whole nine. sigh of relief to have my oldest (but younger, he'll point out!) friend back
3. work. i hates it! taking small steps in what I hope is the proper direction for me.
4. took a trip. climbed a tree drove 1500 miles in 4 days.
5. engaging more on social media scored me a nice interaction with Someone Famous, and then an opportunity that's had me hyped up for days
6. joined postcrossing. why the hell not? first card mailed, 2nd going out tomorrow
7. hit critical mass with health insurance/Rx/etc. need to figure that out so I can get much needed drugs. apparently amazon dot com has a mail order pharmacy, and that's what I have to use?!
8. Might maybe manic again. not sure how to tell. manic? really excited about something? over-caffeinated?
9. Concert #6 coming up on 8/8/23 in Cincy. booked a hotel room to ease the parking and driving home situations. booked a Lyft to get to the venue. plans for wednesday piling up. Keepsakes? lunch with Jo?
10. Dad continues to be dad. Diane needed some sort of biopsy done. we get info in bits and pieces, in not-timely manner and not always in logical order
11. booked a ticket for Mercury Stardust in Columbus.
12. nearly-weekly calls with Jo mean that i'm getting shit done. we talk up to 2.5 hours, and we're both chipping away at things during that time. it's amazing what I can get done when I'm focused on other things.
13. Still a crazy cat lady, still wanting all things Cat Lady Still not ready for another feline roommate.
14. sleep is jacked, big time.
15. I need to make this a daily habit, as there's too much in my brain screaming to get out at all times, and it can be rather inconvenient when something slips out unattended.

on the way to SNB yesterday, i witnessed an accident. traffic was heavy and congested, and we were all going a pretty good clip -- probably faster than the conditions would warrant. we'd just left the heavy fog for overcast and damp, we'd just passed a state trooper which had everyone hitting their breaks and generally acting like idiots. i was in the center lane, and just ahead of me in the left lane was a tight cluster of cars. at least three, but it might've been 4-5. these cars were all crazy-bumper-to-bumper, the ones in the rear pushing the ones in front to go faster.

as we reached an overpass at an exit, the third car from the rear spun out - i saw his tires start smoking and his tail end swing into my lane, and he spun 1-2 times before flipping side-over-side, landing on the drivers side just as i passed him.

i managed to slow down enough to not get hit as he tumbled (and he had the decency to stay in his lane as he cartwheeled, how kind), but there was no place for me to pull over, and i knew i had a cluster of cars on my tail, so i kept going.

after catching my breath, i remembered i had my cell phone out, so i called 911. i hope i was an acceptable accident-reporter. i gave my location (southbound highway at X exit, on the overpass, left lane), the approximate number of cars (one that flipped, two behind him that probably chain-reaction hit, possibly one in front), and that we'd just passed a state trooper a few miles back.

i felt bad for not stopping but (a) there was no safe way for me to stop AT the accident scene, (b) i had the presence of mind to report it, which had to help somehow and (c) i saw two cars turn around and head back just as soon as they could, so i knew there'd be others at the scene. plus, the state trooper a couple miles back would be much better equipped to help than i would.

the whole thing left me rattled for a very long time, and my drive home from cincinnati made me a bit nervous. traffic was lighter than normal going home, but i still was leary of any car coming near me.

which brings me to a poll:

[Poll #1155096]