Just Cyd.

The update to the update is that there is no update. There has been no change to the delivery status; the day after the show I filed a claim for the package.

I've had an initial response from the local post office, and tomorrow I'll reach out again. If the package still exists, just return it to me. I don't care if it has been marked "refused" or "undeliverable" or whatever - I just need closure on this.

The package is still in transit, but should land tomorrow. The recipient won't be at the destination until Thursday. That was Mistake #1 for sure. I worried it'd get there too late, but when I discovered it'd get there too early, I should've said "i'll be back on Saturday" for a better target date.

Travel time still won't affect the fact that the contents will be a full week old by the time he gets them. The cookies were under-baked and not fully cooled when I packed them up. I used butter, so they were still super gooey, and in the TX heat I'm sure things just got worse, not better. I won't be surprised if he transfers the bags from the box to the garbage, not willing to risk it.

my note to him was written on this postcard from the Mincing Mockingbird that reads "the risk I took was calculated, but man am I bad at math" which, in hindsight, might be too forward for someone only after friendship. I wrote out the ingredients on a separate sheet (an attitude is a terrible thing to waste), another indicator of my personality.

so that's three (or more!) major mistakes, all inside a box that perhaps should've never been sent at all. ND is on a month-long tour in the plains/TX, and that's a long time to be away from home. Yes, he's got a ton of friends around those parts from past tours and festivals and competitions, and his daughter lives in Memphis, and he plans to visit her for a bit. Was this really necessary?

in my mind, yes. "a little something from home" is what I believe I called the honey from Saxapahaw General Store. The cookies were from my kitchen SW OH. The tea was a no-brainer if not a repeat, but he's a singer and all singers I know live by Throat Coat tea. He mentioned before that my goodie bag of tea and honey came in handy in VA/MD/DC, so I will forever connect him with that stuff.

There was no hint of "miss you" or "see you soon" or "when will you be home" or any of that clingy stuff-that's not the point. But he doesn't know that committing Random Acts of Cookies used to be A Thing I'd Do, Frequently. Baking for anyone and everyone back when I was working in an office full of people, and had a ton of close online friends. COVID and time and distance killed a lot of that. I mentioned it to John, and said it was nothing that I wouldn't do for him or JDF should either of them be on a month-long tour out of state. I want him to know he's thought of, cared for, not alone in the world.

I used a Mary Englebreit return address label with my full name and home address on the box. so it's all out there now - my full name, my actual home address, the not-actually-Dayton city of residence. If I wasn't sincere, if I was playing games and trying to hide who or what I am, I'd have figured something else out for the return address.

My actual, honest, prediction is that he'll say absolutely nothing about it. not to me, not to friends or band mates or colleagues. He'll take the tea and add it to his stash, because there's nothing about that tea that says "SOME FREAK FAN MAILED THIS TO ME!" but he'll quietly put everything else in the garbage, and move on with his life and hope I, too, never speak of it.

and the various scenarios in my head are no better. the brainweasels have decided that he'll probably freak a little, and either cease-and-desist me into next year, or get Andrew or FJ to order me to stand down. (If it goes that way, I hope it's FJ - I think I'd take it better coming from him, and he'd be able to get the point across without destroying me directly.) the little fuckers ran wild the other night, convincing me that Andrew would take his phone and call me via messenger while ND is on stage and grill me over the whole thing, saying the things ND can't/won't say.

I can't decide what would be worse, being told to bugger off or just have the whole thing ignored.
his tour schedule is public (out of necessity) so I can solve for X any time I need to. The waiting this week is going to be the worst.

I guess I'll find out Thursday. or Friday. or never?

I did an oops at the show Saturday night. Didn't think it was a HUGE deal at the time. then after the show I found out it WAS a big deal, and I'm going to spend the rest of forever berating myself for it.

I sat front and center at the show. I had to look UP to see the singer, and mostly I could see up his nose and the roof of his mouth when he sang. I could've futzed with his mic stand if i'd been so inclined. the band included a drum kit, so I think the stage was set deeper than normal to accommodate that. That meant to get the same number of rows of chairs in, they were smashed up against the stage. I hate seeing the whole first row empty, and honestly thought others would fill in with me.

talking after the show, my presence front and center made him nervous, like, having to focus on not messing up nervous. fuck.

it wasn't the only flub of the night. while tuning up for a particular song, he mentioned channeling his inner Elvis Costello, including wanting to shave his beard for just the one song, and someone shouted "so that means your wife is ..." and immediately a dark cloud passed over his face, just a flash, and there was brief hiccup in his tuning while he composed himself. not sure anyone else caught it, but I did. talking after the show, he also said that things started falling apart about 5 songs from the end ... the one where this interaction happened. double fuck.

partway home, I replied to a msg I'd started with another band member, and brought up that interaction, asking if he could gauge how it affected him overall. He said he cringed inwardly at that insensitive comment, and would absolutely check things out. good man, he is.

Why why why am I like this?!